This post was prompted by an approach from a new user in the orientation area. He was around 6 minutes old and a brand new user . Let us call him Mike.
Mike ran up to me in this virtual world and immediately intruded on my private space, now that was OK, because I have been around a bit and know this is the behaviour of many new users. He was obviously used to ‘games’ because he managed to start up a conversation in Instant Message (private chat window) with me.
He said ‘Hello baby’... so I thought to myself – righty oh … here we go, another sexual predator to fend off and get rid of. So I responded with a ‘hi’. He was persistent and asked what there was to do in this game, so I told him it is a game of your own making that you can immerse yourself into any adventure you choose to. He wasn’t interested in all that and wanted to be my ‘friend’ instead, so I accepted his ‘friendship’.
He asked me to be his girlfriend (fast mover this one). I told him I wasn’t interested in a virtual romance and that I was old, fat and ugly – when this didn’t work I told him I was also married, thinking this to be the ‘piece de resistance’. This still did not deter him, but he changed tack slightly. He told me he wanted to find a girlfriend and had been told that he could do so in Second Life.
Of course being the usual female sucker for a guy in distress, I decided I could help him (I know, I know – you’re thinking ‘idiot’ – you fell for that old ploy). So I showed him part of the London Sims where he would meet people who are what I would call ‘relatively safe’.
The London Gateway is a place where newcomers are ‘born’ and where there is a team of helpers who are there to make their learning experience easier. When we arrived, he saw all these new females (I did tell you my avatar is female?) and as a friend I advised him to start a chat with one of them. I leave this story here because this is where I exited, after introducing him to a female I knew was kind and helpful.
However, the real reason I am relating this story is as an acknowledgement that people do join Second Life looking for a relationship. Yet is that a bad thing?
Many young people (and not so young) look to these places for an alternative way to tackle issues they have in their lives.
As in my example, young people, learning how to deal with the opposite sex (and same sex) in relationships, both with different agendas, can learn how to negotiate these relationships with relative safety (unless they invite the other person right over to their place in the real world, and let’s face it, that’s rather a stupid thing to do).
More mature people, or those that have so far succeeded at navigating the pitted road called ‘relationship’ come up with a crisis at some point and seek a mechanic or alternative vehicle with better upholstery to tide us over, or even to transfer to.
Second Life is one place that there is a vehicle for these situations. Although it has been accused of causing them, it appears to be more of a victim of the symptoms that people have in their lives and of existing issues, rather than a direct cause of problems.
Over the years of using virtual worlds, I have found that some things people come to virtual worlds for when they are looking for a relationship are:
- To run away from circumstances in which they feel there is no escape, such as a disability or a situation in which they are a carer
- Mundane circumstances they would rather leave temporarily and have a small part of themselves in a fantasy world, such as low income and no employment
- To explore their sexuality and if they have never had a sexual partner, explore dealing with relationships in a relatively safe environment
- To have sex, such as people who are in a tired sexual relationship with no external outlet (apart from pornography)
- To have love and caring, those who are perhaps in a relationship where they feel the love is missing and need human compassion
- The relationship with the life partner has fallen off the rails, such as those in difficult relationships, perhaps abusive or simply absentee partner
- Finally, the first-timer, is someone who has never had a relationship, and is exploring the opportunities in a virtual world as a test for their future
So, is Second Life (and other virtual worlds – including World of Warcraft) a substitute or a searching for something missing in people’s lives and more than just recreation?
I would say that it is possible. People use virtual worlds as recreation, true. But often for one of the above reasons, they are also looking for a relationship. This is likely to be an unconscious need in them that is not openly expressed.
It is well to remember that the other person you are dealing with in these environments is not a ‘robot’ or a ‘character’ in your game, they are real people sitting behind the screen. Please always remember that because one day, you may meet them. Like you, they are looking for people in their life to add to their life and although they could possibly walk out of their front door to do this, most choose to do it virtually – of course with the exception of those who are not able bodied. Please treat one another with respect, and if you are not using virtual worlds, please remember that these people are not ‘freaks’. They are human like you.
However, there is a happy end to the story. Many people find happiness in virtual worlds like Second Life. Many ‘partner’ in the virtual world and develop close and intimate relationships in relatively short periods of time. The intensity of these relationships, can equate in a 1: 5 ratio. 1 day for every 5 in the real world, and many virtual relationships consume more attention than real relationships do. The intensity of the relationship is deep.
The result of this is that when people do come together, after knowing one another virtually, they know one another at a depth seldom (if ever) experienced in the real world. Thus many relationships formed through virtual worlds are subsequently very stable and enduring.
The message: -
For a good relationship, start it in a virtual world first.
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